The Long Con: What Makes Elderly People Vulnerable to Romance Scams and How to Protect a Loved One at Risk

by Molly Becker, Buckley Law, P.C.

“The confidence game is a cautionary tale about the power of persuasion, reminding us that anyone can be deceived if the circumstances are right.”
– Maria Konnikova, The Confidence Game: Why We Fall for It . . . Every Time

 

Online romance fraud, colloquially called “sweetheart scams,” have steadily gained attention in the media over recent years due to the staggering monetary losses they cause. In fact, the latest FBI figures report losses due to romance scams nationwide at $635 million in 2023 (with over $136 million occurring in Oregon alone). The actual figures are likely higher given that many victims are hesitant to report when they have been scammed due to denial, shame and embarrassment.

But while this form of fraud has become more prevalent, primarily due to ever-expanding technological advances and increased access to social media and online dating platforms by more populations, the online romance scam does not recreate the wheel of a con. It is still the same “confidence game” used by con artists for nearly two centuries. Successful cons employ persuasion and manipulation strategies to earn others’ trust and exploit vulnerabilities. Online romance scams, where both money and love are on the line, require an even higher level of sophistication and deceit from a scammer over an extended period. This long con is “The Confidence Game 2.0.”

Understanding Romance Scams

The FBI defines online romance fraud as a set of circumstances in which a criminal adopts a fake online identity to gain a victim’s affection and trust, and then exploits the illusion of a romantic relationship to defraud the victim. Offenders groom and love-bomb their targets to pull them in the relationship, which usually involves daily contact to build the connection before making the first “ask.” Once fully submerged, the victim solely focuses on maintaining the relationship (to the detriment of other important people and tasks in their life), which requires a constant cycle of securing money to send to the offender. These activities become more and more challenging as they run out of resources (e.g., accounts are frozen, they no longer qualify for loans, and have burned bridges with friends and family). In this category of fraud, the goal for the victim is not financial, rather, it is to obtain the promise of the relationship they have worked so hard to achieve.

Persuasion

Making sense of romance scam victim acquiescence to offender demands (often to the tune of thousands to hundreds of thousands of dollars – or more), is difficult to fathom without an understanding of the basic principles of persuasion. The tactics and techniques of persuasion are research-based, which have been developed and used for legitimate purposes like business dealings, negotiations and dispute resolution. When used to defraud and manipulate, romance scammers employ a wide range of accepted and scientifically-supported principles of persuasion to engender victim compliance with their requests.

• Priming: They begin with “priming.” Priming simply means that by showing the brain a stimulus, the brain is being influenced in how to process the next stimulus (Simon, 2024). Our brains look for patterns to fill in gaps. If you were to read LO_ _, you may mentally fill in “VE” given the topic of this article, even though many options are possible (e.g., LOAD, LOSE, LOST, LODE, etc.). Con artists know how to get us to fill in the blanks.
• The Foot in the Door: For example, the “foot-in-the-door” technique (Freedman & Fraser, 1966), illustrates the principle that those who are compliant with an initial minor request are more inclined to deliver on future requests, even if larger, due to the intrinsic desire to remain consistent. The name of this technique is derived from the authors’ original research in which they found that asking residents to put up a small “Drive Carefully” sign in their yard (aka “the foot in the door”) made their later request for residents to put a larger sign over 50% more successful, when compared to just initially asking residents to display the larger sign. Similarly, romance scammers will start small (e.g., requesting $20 for gas, a $40 gift card for a birthday present for a loved one, etc. before requesting thousands of dollars at a time), to capitalize on the psychological inclination for people to conform with their prior actions, and thus remain internally consistent with their beliefs in the concept called consistency (Cialdini et. al., 1984). The ask continues to be incrementally ratcheted (i.e., if I agreed to the previous amount, I will continue that consistent behavior).
  • Studies have also shown that a charity asking for non-monetary support, such as signing a petition, before requesting a financial donation increases the ultimate likelihood of monetary support during a fundraising campaign (Schwarzwald et. al., 1983). In fact, a time delay between requests increases compliance (Chartrand et. al., 1999), which could further help explain why romances scammers are so successful with ongoing requests of their victims over time.
• The Door in the Face: Alternatively, the “door-in-the-face” compliance technique, while less consistently profitable than the “foot in the door,” is also utilized by romance scammers. In this more direct and expedient technique, a person is first asked a more extreme favor (with the requestor understanding that it will most likely be refused), followed by a more moderate request (Cialdini et. al., 1984). The more minor request then becomes an easier pill to swallow.
  • But, why does this work? One theory is that a person trying to reduce their guilt associated with turning down the initial request (even if outlandish) makes them more likely to agree to a lesser ultimate demand (O’Keefe & Figgé, 1999). Other theories include the desire to reciprocate based on the belief that the requestor is compromising on their behalf (Cialdini et. al., 1984), and the human desire to appear positive and unselfish in the eyes of the requestor (Pendleton & Batson, 1979).

The Role of Trust

Humans have a natural inclination to trust, a generally adaptive trait which scammers exploit through grooming their target or “mark” (i.e., doing the “long con” by taking their time to prime the target for abuse through regular contact). Scammers are well-versed at building trust through using mirroring and story narratives (the more heart-tugging and chaotic, the better) to build false intimacy and promise a future together to manipulate their victims. The same dynamics as the cycle of abuse (first developed by Lenore Walker in 1979 to describe domestic violence) are theorized to be the same patterns used by scammers to exert power and control over their victims (Cross et al., 2018).

Scammers isolate victims from friends and family, and employ cult-like tactics (such as sleep deprivation by keeping them up all night talking, texting, or emailing) to keep their target off-balance and neurobiologically deprived. They are also known to use third-parties (usually just the scammer or someone working with the scammer) to bolster the legitimacy of the scammer. Additionally, if the victim questions the validity of the relationship or is not agreeable to new or ongoing financial requests, in response the scammer withholds affection, which the victim is desperate to regain. After being inundated with such skilled manipulation techniques, the victims do not self-identify as victims, nor do they see the offender as a scammer – they believe they are in a legitimate relationship with the person, which entangles them even more deeply.

Trauma Bonds and Exploitive Relationships

Romance scams are malicious in that they attack the very basic human needs of love and connection. Trauma bonds are “dysfunctional attachments that occur in the presence of danger, shame or exploitation” (Carnes, 1997). The bond is formed from a cyclical pattern of abuse and positive reinforcement. By alternating cycles of affection and love with degradation and blame, the victimizer behaviorally conditions the victim to accept blame for the victimizer’s actions in the “bad” portions of the cycle and to stay in the relationship despite the abuse. The victimizer reframes the losses experienced by the victim as necessary and worthwhile for the relationship. At a certain point, the only way out of a trauma bond is for a victim to experience a crisis or loss so extreme that it will shift them back to reality, in what is usually a very painful process.

People most susceptible to trauma bonds have experienced childhood maltreatment, were exposed to abusive relationships growing up, or have attachment insecurity, low self-esteem, or a lack of social supports (Lahousen et al., 2019). Such predispositions attract them to the intensity inherent to traumatic bonding, which is mistaken for intimacy. The intensity causes a surge of dopamine levels and other neurotransmitters in the brain which, in turn, increases feelings of attachment (Fisher et al. 2010). If a loss of the relationship is threatened, the victim experiences withdrawal and is desperate for the chemical rush to return, resulting in their attempts to maintain the toxic cycle. This pattern at least partially explains why once a person is victimized by a romance scam, they are more likely to be re-victimized (and, in the case of online romance scams, the information of victims successfully exploited is sold to other scammers, making victims of this type of fraud even more at risk for re-victimization).

Why the Elderly are Vulnerable

Anyone can fall victim to fraud. While research in the area of romance scams is relatively limited, the typical victim characteristics may be surprising – victims are more likely to be well-educated, middle-aged, overconfident in their ability to spot a scam, have more of an online presence, and score higher in impulsivity (Whitty, 2019; Gamble et al., 2014). Essentially, victims are not “stupid.”

Elderly people, while not necessarily more likely to be victims of romance scams based on the current research, are a vulnerable sub-set of the population for this species of fraud for a number of reasons, including isolation and loneliness (especially as older people are more likely to be widows and widowers), and a lack of technological sophistication, having less experience on the internet during their lifetime (Lichtenberg et al., 2013; Lawson & Leck, 2006; Holtfreter et al., 2014; Sur et al., 2021). These factors, combined with the recent, lightspeed development of artificial intelligence has made it even easier for scammers to take on entirely new personas through the use of fraudulent voices for phone calls and “deepfake” technology to conduct video calls with their victims while masquerading as someone else (even taking on the face of well-known celebrities). Another important factor making elderly victims a good “mark” is that they tend to have more funds (saved over the years as their nest egg) that are more easily accessible to fraudsters.

The Impact of Romance Scams on Victims

Romance scams are unique in that victims are traumatized both financially and emotionally (Whitty & Buchanan, 2012). However, victims report the emotional trauma is far more painful than the financial losses incurred from a romance scam (Cross et al., 2016). They not only must face the financial devastation, underscored in the case of elderly people who do not have the same opportunities for making new income to recover lost assets, but also the betrayal of the person they believed to be in a relationship with never having existed.

Many individuals refuse to acknowledge they are a victim of fraud, even when confronted with evidence (Cross, 2018). Victims may experience the “sunk cost fallacy,” a phenomenon in which one continues the same course of action because of how much they have already invested, based on the hope that this relationship could be real, and that the promises made by the offender could be fulfilled. Such a response often frustrates those attempting to extricate the victim from the situation. Because victims face an additional layer of shame and stigma, not only from themselves but in the form of victim-blaming from loved ones and third-parties which frequently occurs in these types of cases (Cross, 2015, 2018), the fraud goes underreported, making it difficult to gather and interpret data accurately and to develop prevention strategies (Burnes et al., 2017; DeLiema, 2018).

It may be reassuring to think, you could never fall for a scam, and that the victimized loved one just needs to listen to the advice of caring family members to not send any more money. While frustrating to be on the outside of a con looking in, helplessly observing a loved one’s financial exploitation, focusing the anger on the victim (instead of the offender where it belongs) can unintentionally galvanize the victim to attach more intensely to the offender. Romance fraud schemes are elaborate, long-term, filled with behavioral conditioning and abusive cycles, and can be incredibly debilitating on the victim.  Importantly, anyone can be defrauded under proper conditions.

How to Identify a Loved One at Risk

Here are some of the signs (which are not all-inclusive nor are applicable to all situations) that may indicate a loved one has been targeted in a romance scam:

• Reporting being in a relationship with someone they met online who they have never met;
• The connection with the person began on a legitimate website or app online, but quickly moved to an app (like WhatsApp or Telegram);
• Spending more and more time on their phone or computer, speaking to someone online (often late at night);
• Taking out new loans and credit cards;
• Past-due or unpaid bills;
• Constant (and often unlikely) crises occurring in the online “partner’s” life, requiring urgent action by the victim loved one;
• Defending the online “partner” or shutting down when asked questions about the validity of the relationship or the online “partner’s” actions/requests;
• Isolation from important relationships with friends and family; and
• Sending money to someone they have never met via cryptocurrency, bank wires, or gift cards.

How to Help a Loved One

A romance scam victim is caught in a cycle of abuse, manipulation and exploitation that involves behavioral conditioning difficult to break. That being said, professional help is available and moreover, when healthy bonds are offered, trauma bonds can be disrupted.

• Communication and Support: Victims are often shamed for “falling for” a romance scam, which further deteriorates their sense of self and increases their desperation. Allowing the victim to express their feelings, and validating those feelings (as opposed to criticizing and blaming), demonstrates compassion and reduces the victim’s tendency to become overly defensive of the offender. Moreover, if and once the reality of the scam is acknowledged by the victim, they are likely to experience grief. Providing support through face-to-face connections with loved ones and encouraging engagement in activities the victim used to enjoy are important outlets, as are counseling and support groups.
• Reporting and Seeking Help: Romance scams are able to persist so ubiquitously because offenders hide in the shadows, and their identity (which can be one or a multitude of offenders for every online “romantic partner”) or their location (often overseas) are rarely uncovered; victims are unlikely to recover their stolen funds and offenders are generally not prosecuted. Reporting romance scams is essential for protecting current victims from further harm, preventing other victims from victimization, reducing stigma, allowing more data collection, and encouraging the accountability of offenders. If you are concerned that you or someone you love is being exploited by a romance scam, reports should be made to:
  • Adult Protective Services (in Oregon, call 855-503-SAFE);
  • The FBI at IC3.gov or via phone by calling 1-800-CALL-FBI;
  • The FTC at ReportFraud.ftc.gov;
  • The social networking site or app where the victim met the scammer; and
  • The financial institutions of the victim where funds are being depleted and/or financial institutions being used to send money to the scammer.

Considering Filing for a Conservatorship

Even if an elderly loved one is able to care for themselves physically and all appears well from the outside, if they are being financially exploited, it may be time to consider filing a petition for conservatorship. A conservatorship petition asks for a person (usually a family member or neutral professional) to be appointed as the loved one’s fiduciary (called a “conservator”) to manage their finances, in order to protect their assets and prevent further loss and mismanagement. In order to obtain a conservatorship over an elderly loved one (who would be called the “respondent” in a conservatorship case when the petition is filed, and then a “protected person” once a conservator is appointed), the petitioner must prove by clear and convincing evidence that the respondent is (i) financially incapable, and (ii) has financial resources in need of management and protection.

When a person is “financially incapable,” they are unable to manage their financial resources effectively for reasons including, but not limited to, mental illness and disability. ORS 125.005(3). As an example, a loved one may be unable to pay their basic expenses or maintain and manage their property because they are being exploited by a scammer. If there is no less restrictive option available (e.g., effective estate planning already in place, such as a trust or power of attorney, which allows the trustee or attorney-in-fact to fully protect and manage the loved one’s financial resources), then filing for a conservatorship should be considered. There are multiple factors to consider when weighing whether to file a petition for conservatorship and in deciding whom to petition for appointment as the conservator. The fiduciary duties associated with acting as conservator (which include thorough annual accountings, the filing of a bond, and reporting to the court for certain circumstances) can be complex and require legal advice and representation.

Conclusion

“The con artist is a mirror, reflecting back to us what we long to see and hear.”
– Maria Konnikova, The Confidence Game: Why We Fall for It . . . Every Time

Online romance scams can happen to anyone, but elderly people are particularly at risk. It is important to be aware of the signs of online financial exploitation, take proactive measures to protect loved ones, engage professionals, and report concerns to financial institutions and government agencies. Talk with the elderly folks in your life about the signs of online romance scams and how to protect themselves. You, a real person who cares about your loved one, is their first line of defense.

At Buckley Law, we are well-versed in cases involving online romance scams and regularly represent petitioners, conservators, and respondents in contested protective proceedings. Please give Molly Becker a call today at 503-620-8900 to schedule a consult to review your legal options for protecting an elderly person in your life from being financially exploited.